Clanalot
by Half-Blood Warrior Kitty
Summary: A parody of one of my ABSOLUTE favorite Broadway plays: Spamalot. Spamalot plus Warriors equals The Sick Mind Of Half-Blood Warrior Kitty! Rated T for language...
1. Cast List

Clanalot

By Half-Blood Warrior Kitty

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the songs/ the script of Spamalot or the Warriors characters.**

_**Cast List**_

_**Main Characters (in no particular order)**_

Firestar as King Arthur

Sandstorm as The Lady of the Lake

Ravenpaw as Sir Robin

Darkstripe as Prince Herbert

Tigerstar as Lancelot

Dustpelt as Dennis Galahad

Graystripe as Patsy

Hawkfrost as Sir Bedevere

Cloudtail as The Knight of Ni

Blackstar as The Black Knight

A Random Rabbit as The Killer Rabbit

Jayfeather as Tim the Enchanter

Onestar as The Mayor of Finland

Redtail as Sir Not Appearing In This Show

Longtail as Prince Herbert's Father

_**Minor Characters (also in no particular order)**_

Tallstar as The Historian

Ferncloud, Squirrelflight, Leafpool, Hollyleaf and Whitewing as The Laker Girls

Bluestar, Brindleface, Swiftpaw and Whitestorm as The Dead People on the Cart

Brightheart as Not Dead Fred

Crowfeather as The French Taunter

Nightcloud, Breezepelt and Mudclaw as The French Guards

Barley, Rainwhisker, Sootfur,, Cinderpelt and Poppyfrost as The Minstrels

Rowanclaw and Tawnypelt as Herbert's Guards and the Guards at the Beginning Who Argue About Coconuts and Birds

Mousefur as Mrs. Galahad and The Woman With The Shrubbery

Berrynose, Hazeltail, Mousewhisker, Sorreltail, Honeyfern and Lionblaze as The Knights of Ni

Half-Blood Warrior Kitty as The Audience Member


	2. Historian's Introduction To Act 1

Tallstar:

The forest, many moons after the Clans were created. Territories divided. To the West, RiverClan. To the East, Twolegplace. Above, nothing but rats and some cats from ShadowClan. In the mountains, the thunderpaths, and the treecut place, Greencough. In the ravine, the gorge, the swamps and Barley's farm, Greencough. In Highstones, and the two small streams, Greencough, with a 50% chance of rogues and fire coming out of the river at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom. A cat with a vision, who gathered warriors together in a Holy Quest. This cat was Firestar, King of the Kittens, for this was The Forest!


	3. Finland

Cats:

WindClan, WindClan, WindClan!

That's the territory for me!

(VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES)

Onestar:

WindClan is the moorland where we hunt

WindClan is the moorland where kits play

Here in WindClan tom and she-cat can find a true romance

In traditional moorland running vay!

All:

Run! Run!

Onestar:

Run-a-run-a vay

All:

Run! Run!

Onestar:

Run away all day

All:

Run! Run!

Onestar:

You simply can't go wrong

Vith traditional hare-running song!

All:

WindClan, WindClan, WindClan!

Toms:

The moors where I quite want to be

Mudclaw:

Hunting rabbits-

Ashfoot:

Or Gatherings-

All:

Or just eating and sleep!

WindClan, WindClan, WindClan!

That's the territory for me.

Tallstar:

I said, The Forest!

Cats:

What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that.


	4. The Guards And The Coconuts

Monks:

Sacrosanctus Domine

Pecavi ignoviunt

Iuesus Christus Domine

Pax vobiscum venerunt

[The monks exit the stage. A door is opened at the back of the stage and out comes Firestar, "riding a twoleg" on the stage, with his servant Graystripe riding behind him. He is not really riding a twoleg, but pretends to, while Graystripe is banging coconuts to make the noise.]

Firestar ("Riding" in place):

Steady… And… Over we go! (The "twoleg" jumps over an obstacle). Well taken, Graystripe. (The "twoleg" preforms various riding tricks) And… whoooooooa! (The "twoleg" stops. Firestar dismounts) Very good. (He calls to the right end of the stage, where a wall of a castle stands, with a window. There is another wall on the left side of the stage). Hello? Hello?

[ appears at the window]

Tawnypelt:

Who goes there?

Firestar (sings):

I am Fire-star, king of the kittens, lord and ruler of all. Of the Forest and Sunningrocks and even tiny little bits of Falls.

Tawnypelt:

And I'm the leader of StarClan, bugger off.

Graystripe (sings):

He is Fire-star, king of the kittens, and we are out seeking toms. Very strong toms and very toned-

Firestar (sings):

To sit at our very-very-very round stone.

Tawnypelt:

What is it that you want?

Firestar:

I'm looking for toms.

Tawnypelt:

I had a feeling…

Firestar:

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of warriors to join me in my court at Clanalot. I must speak to your leader and ruler.

Tawnypelt:

What, ridden on a twoleg?

Firestar:

Yes.

Tawnypelt:

You're using coconuts!

Firestar:

What?

Tawnypelt:

You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

Firestar:

So? We have ridden since the snows of leafbare covered this

land, through the territory of SkyClan. Through-

Tawnypelt:

Where did you get the coconuts?

Firestar:

We found them.

Tawnypelt:

Found them? In SkyClan? The coconut's tropical!

Firestar:

What do you mean?

Tawnypelt:

Well, this is a temperate zone.

Firestar:

The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the magpie or the hawk may seek warmer lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

Tawnypelt:

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Firestar:

Not at all. They could be carried.

Tawnypelt:

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

Firestar:

It could grip it by the husk...

Tawnypelt:

It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple

question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.

Firestar:

Well, it doesn't matter. Will tell your leader that

Firestar from the Court of Clanalot is here?

Tawnypelt:

Listen! To maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?

Firestar (irritated):

Please!

Tawnypelt:

Am I right?

Firestar:

I'm not interested.

[A second guard appears in the window of the left sided castle wall]

Rowanclaw:

It could be carried by an ShadowClan swallow.

Tawnypelt:

Oh yeah. A ShadowClan swallow maybe, but not a ThunderClan swallow. That's my point.

Rowanclaw:

Oh yeah, I agree with that. Beautiful bird, the ShadowClan swallow. Lovely plumage.

Tawnypelt:

The plumage don't change and besides, ShadowClan swallows are not migratory.

Rowanclaw:

Oh yes.

Tawnypelt:

They can bring a coconut back anyway.

Firestar:

Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Clanalot??

Rowanclaw:

Wait a minute! Suppose there are two swallows, carrying it together?

Tawnypelt:

No, they'll have to have it on a vine.

Rowanclaw:

It's simple, they'll just use a strip of bark to grip one.

Tawnypelt:

What, waving it under the bushes for guiding ?

[Firestar gives up and rides off the stage].

Rowanclaw:

Who was that then?

Tawnypelt:

That's a king.

Rowanclaw:

How can you tell?

Tawnypelt:

He hasn't got dung all over him.


	5. Not Yet Dead

Ravenpaw:

Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

[He walks into the stage, with another cat who's walking with a mat with dead cats on it. From the other side of the stage comes Tigerstar, grabbing Brightheart's leg. Brightheart is lying on the ground and Tigerstar is dragging her.]

Tigerstar (pointing at Brightheart):

Here's one.

Ravenpaw:

Nine mice.

Brightheart:

I'm not dead.

Ravenpaw:

What?

Tigerstar:

Nothing. Here's your nine mice.

Brightheart:

I'm not dead.

Ravenpaw:

Here, she says she's not dead.

Tigerstar:

Yes she is.

Brightheart:

I'm not.

Ravenpaw:

She isn't.

Tigerstar:

Well she'll be soon, she's very ill.

Brightheart:

I think I'll go for a walk!

Tigerstar:

You'll be stone dead in a minute.

Ravenpaw:

I can't take her like that, it's against regulations.

Brightheart:

I don't want to go on the mat.

Tigerstar:

Don't be such a kit!

Ravenpaw:

I can't take her!

Brightheart:

I feel fine.

Tigerstar:

Well, do us a favor.

Ravenpaw:

I can't.

Tigerstar:

Well can't you hang around a couple of minutes? She won't be long.

Ravenpaw:

All right, carry her!

[The cat walking the mat walks toward Brightheart and carries her to put her on the mat. Ravenpaw takes the fresh-kill from Tigerstar.]

Tigerstar:

That's right!

Ravenpaw:

Make it quick. I have to get to Clanalot by moonrise.

Tigerstar:

You're going to Clanalot?

Ravenpaw:

Yes!

Tigerstar:

What, you got a gig?

Ravenpaw:

No, I'm going to enlist.

Tigerstar:

What, as a warrior?

Ravenpaw:

Maybe.

Tigerstar:

Well, I'll come with you!

Brightheart:

I'm not dead yet.

Tigerstar:

Shut up! (To Ravenpaw) I fancy some of that fighting!

Ravenpaw:

Oh? There's fighting, is there?

Tigerstar:

Quite a lot, that's what the job's all about.

Ravenpaw:

Oh, I see. It's not just dressing up and dancing?

Tigerstar:

No, it's mostly fighting.

Ravenpaw:

Oh, good…

Tigerstar:

I mean, some fights might have a bit of dancing.

Brightheart:

I'd like to dance.

Tigerstar:

Look, you're nor fooling anyone, you know.

Brightheart:

I feel happy! I feel happy! (Start singing)

I am not dead yet

I can dance and I can sing

I am not dead yet

I can do the moorland fling

I am not dead yet

No need to go to bed

No need to call the medicine cat

'Cos I'm not yet dead.

[The five dead cats are rising up, joining Fred from the cart]

Dead Cats:

She is not yet dead

That's what the apprentice said

Oh, she's not yet dead

That cat is off his head

She is not yet dead

Put her back in nest

Keep her off the cart because she's not yet dead.

[Brightheart starts dancing until Tigerstar takes a branch and bangs it into Brightheart's head. Brightheart falls down on the ground, apparently dead.]

Dead Cats:

Well now she's dad

You whacked her on the head

Sure now she's dead

It makes me just see red

You are such a brute

To murder that young kitten

You homicidal foxdung, now she's really dead.

Who is the knave who put her in her grave

And who needs to manage his anger?

Tigerstar:

My name is Tigerstar

I'm big and strong and popul-ar

Occasionally I do

Some things that I should not

Ravenpaw:

I want to be a warrior

But I don't like blood and gore

I'm rather scared I may

Just simply run away

Tigerstar:

I'll be right with you

Ravenpaw through and through and through

So stick with me and I'll show you what to do

Both:

We'll remain good chums

Tigerstar:

You can teach me how to dance

Both:

We're going to enlist

Ravenpaw:

I'm Raven-

Tigerstar:

And I'm Tigey!

All:

Oh we're off to war

Because we're not yet dead

We will all enlist

As the warriors that Firestar led

Brightheart:

I am coming too

My name'll be Mme Not Dead

I'll be your musician

Cos I'm not yet dead

All:

Oh we're not dead yet

To Clanalot we will

To enlist instead

To try and earn some fresh-kill

And so although

We should have stayed in nest

We're going off to war

Because we're not dead

YES!

Tigerstar:

To kill

I will

It gives me such a thrill

Ravenpaw:

You sing

With me

I'll keep an eye on Tigey

All:

We're going off to war

We'll have she-cats by the score

FRED:

We'll be shot by Michael Moore!

ALL:

Because we're not… yet…

[Tigerstar bangs the branch again into Brightheart's head, causing her to fall, again, dead on the ground.]

All:

Dead! Not yet dead!

Later...

Tigerstar:

I don't know what it's been said!

Dead Cats:

I don't know what it's been said!

Tigerstar:

We're off to war we're not yet dead!

Dead Cats:

We're off to war we're not yet dead!

Tigerstar:

Become a warrior and you'll go far!

Dead Cats:

Become a warrior and you'll go far!

Tigerstar:

In your pelt and some leaves!

Dead Cats:

In your pelt… and some leaves???


	6. The Introduction of Dennis Galahad

Firestar:

Old she-cat-

Dustpelt (revealing his face):

Tom!

Firestar:

Tom, sorry. (Point towards the castle) What knight lives at that castle over there?

Dustpelt:

I'm twenty seven.

Firestar:

What?

Dustpelt:

I'm not old!

Firestar:

Well, I can't just call you 'tom'.

Dustpelt (angrily):

Well, you could say 'Dustpelt'!

Firestar:

I didn't know you are called Dustpelt.

Dustpelt:

Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Firestar:

Look, I'm sorry about the old woman thing, but really from behind you looked-

Dustpelt:

What I'm objecting to is you automatically treating me like an inferior.

Firestar:

Well I AM king.

Dustpelt:

Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And did you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! If there's EVER going to be any progress-

Mousefur (enters the stage and coming toward him):

Dustpelt, there's a lot of good mud over there. (Notices Firestar and Graystripe) oh, how do you do?

Firestar:

How do you do, good she-cat?

[Mousefur stops, noticing he is a good looking King]

Mousefur:

Oh, how do you do? I'm the widowed mother of Dustpelt. (Walks towards Firestar) Now my mate dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leaved me sadly available.

Firestar:

I'm Firestar, king of the Kittens.

Mousefur:

King of the who?

Firestar:

The Kittens.

Mousefur:

Who are the Kittens?

Firestar:

Well, we all are. We're all Kittens and I am your king.

Mousefur:

I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Dustpelt

You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-

Mousefur:

There you are, bringing class into it again ...

Dustpelt:

That's what it's all about ... If only -

Firestar:

Please, please good cats. I am in haste. Who is your lord?

Mousefur:

We don't have a lord.

Dustpelt:

We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

Firestar:

Yes.

Dustpelt:

... But all the decision of that officer ...

Firestar:

Yes, I see.

Dustpelt:

... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs.

Firestar:

Be quiet!

Dustpelt:

... but a two-thirds majority ...

Firestar:

Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Mousefur:

Order, ey? Who does he thinks he is?

Firestar:

I am your king!

Mousefur:

Well, I didn't vote for you.

Firestar:

You don't vote for kings.

Mousefur:

Well, so how did you become a king, then?

Firestar:

Well, I'll tell you. (Music starts) One day, as I was riding forth from Clanalot, I saw a she-cat in the lake-

Dustpelt:

Dead? (The music stops)

Firestar:

No, not dead. She was the she-cat of the lake! She lives in the lake.

Dustpelt:

What, under the water?

Firestar:

Yes.

[Dustpelt nods to Mousefur, pointing at Firestar and then making a sign with his paw which means he thinks Firestar is drunk]

Firestar (The music continues):

She appeared to me, out of the bosom of the water, her arm clad in the purest shimmering Semite, held aloft Excalibur, to signify by Divine Providence ... (He takes out his claws and rises them high) that I, Firestar, was to carry Excalibur!

Graystripe:

Excalibur!

Background singing voice:

Excalibur!

[The music stops, Firestar retracts the claws]

Firestar:

And that's why I'm your king.

Dustpelt (Rises and walking toward Firestar):

Listen, strange she-cats lying in ponds, distributing claws is no basis of a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Firestar:

It's not an ordinary set of claws. How many claws do you know, that have their own names?

[Dustpelt stares at him]

Dustpelt:

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a set of claws at you!

Firestar:

Be quiet!

Dustpelt:

If I said I was an Emperor because some

moistened she-kit had lobbed a set of claws at me, cats would put me away!

Firestar:

You think I would make that up?

Dustpelt:

Soggy old blonds with their backs lying in ponds

Firestar:

Since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the she-cat of the lake exists, will you join my army and enlist as a warrior?

Dustpelt:

Oh, sure, if she exists I'll join any bloody army. For the tooth kitty I'll join the navy.


	7. Come With Me

Firestar:

Very well, watch this. (music starts as he speaks) oh, She-Cat of the Lake, please reveal to this dodging Treepelt-

Dustpelt:

Dustpelt!

Firestar:

Please reveal to this dodging Dustpelt that you are real.

[The She-Cat of the Lake and her Laker Kits emerges from the lake that suddenly appears out of nowhere]

Dustpelt:

Oh! Blimey!

She-Cat of the Lake (singing):

Come with me, come with me,

come with me, sweet warrior.

You'll be a tom, join Firestar's Clan,

come with me and I will make you glad.

Dustpelt, sweet Dustpelt,

be a warrior, it's time to take you vow.

If you'll come with me now

I'll show you how.

Dustpelt:

Oh wow!

Mousefur:

You leave him alone you watery witch! Dustpelt, come back! You'll catch a nasty chill in that pond!


	8. Laker Girls Cheer

Firestar:

Stand aside, Mousefur, while the She-Cat of the Lake and her Laker Kits, welcome your son to my army!

[He blows a whistle, and the Laker Kits start a cheerleading dance]

Firestar (singing):

I am Firestar, King of the Kittens

And we're seeking toms who are toned.

And so we're recruiting Dustpelt

To sit ant our very, very, very round stone.

Ready?

Laker Kits:

OK!

K.I.N.G.

F.I.R.

S.T.

A.R. Firestar

K.I.N.G.

F.I.R.

S.T.

A.R. Firestar

Firestar King

Firestar King

The biggest ad the coolest thing

Firestar:

Who's the King?

Laker Kits:

You are!

Firestar:

Who's the King?

Laker Kits:

You are!

F.I.R.E.S.T.A.R! Firestar!

Who is next to enlist?

Dustpelt

Dustpelt

Graystripe:

Who is?

Laker Kits and Graystripe:

Dustpelt

The She-Cat of the Lake will make him a tom

If she can't do it- nobody can

Firestar and Graystripe:

Who will he be?

Laker Kits:

D.U.S.T.P.E.L.T.

D….U...S...TP….E...L...

Mousefur:

T!


End file.
